sorry

yes, i have not written in quite a while. i wrote a post on Megans computer last night about yesterday evening but i havent been able to post it yet. so that will be coming.

ok. i left off...let me check. i cant even remember. whatever. ill just write what comes to mind

so i got my hair cut by stephen and i shaved my beardish thing. it was fun but i wish i didnt shave the beard cuz i kinda liked it. but now i just look like i did 6 months ago. slightly shorter hair and no facial hair. anyhow. it was fun.

ive been getting lots of cuts and scratches which is makes me feel like im doing manly stuff. haha.

this is completely not chronological but we went to Manchester (a shanty town/slums on the edge of Managua). we are not going to the dump this year cause its not very safe. they have been talking about moving it across to the other side of Managua and theres been several riots by the people who live there so wer not gonna go this year. but i think Manchester is worse than the dump. the dump is a dump. You expect it to be full of trash and stuff that goes in a dump, but Manchester is just a bad neighborhood and the people live in the most appalling conditions i have ever seem. it is like the things You see in national geographics but its right in front of You accompanied by all the smells and ... reality of being there. You kinda have to go into shock. even though ive been there and distinctly remember a lot of it, it still brutal. its not like omg this is so terrible. it is the opposite. You dont feel anything. i think that is what shock is. it is something that Your body does to cope with extreme situations and allows You to function in harsh environments. the actually definition is probably a lot different. You just see all this poverty and hopelessness. guys just sitting there doing nothing while their children are playing in the filth with only their diapers on. they live in a germiphobes worst nightmare and a safety instructers hell. seriously. i will have to post up some of the pics i have. it is really hard to describe. there is open streams of sewage that run along the main road straight into lake Managua (which is one of the dirties lakes in the world. it is so polluted that it looks like land from the roof) which the kids swim in. we went to the school (it is only like kindergarten to 1st grade or something) and Sue (shes a school nurse back in the states) did a presentation for the kids on cleanliness. we handed out packs with a toothbrush, toothpaste, and soap to them all. hopefully some of the older ones were listening and might do some of it. that would be really good. after that we went around and just took picture, said hi to people, and handed out tracts. we went to see one of the people who goes to the church who lives there. everything i built of rusting corrugated metal cobbled together in the most creative and haphazard ways. we talked to this one old lady who had a bowl of chicken guts that she was preparing in her lap and her kids were all eating some kind of meat for lunch. it was really sad. we were talking to her with the help of Tracy (one of the missionaries). we prayed for her and she was talking about how the doctors didnt know what was wrong with her but the lord would provide for her and we prayed again. she and a few of us started crying and then she asked us for money for her children. at which point i walked away. i had been feeling kinda bad cuz i hadnt been as emotional although i had felt really bad for her. i feel for the whole just as much as for the individuals i guess (dont know if that made any sense). not to be too skeptical, but it is VERY common to ask the rich american gringos for money. there was a woman last year who was asking for money to get a prescription for her son who had a lower body cast. the only problem was the medic who was with us said the boy had been healed for months. although it is terribly sad You cant ever really trust people. i was just really shook up by that. well everything there shook me up. everything. even the things that should be natural and whole are broken and destroyed. there is some of the most decrepit dogs i have ever seen. even the lake smells like a sewage treatment plant (it really does. ive been to one before).

at the same time, there is beauty in the this incredibly broken place. there is a lot of flowers there. the school has improved a lot since we were last there. there is a sense of peace despite the terrible settings. i feel like i could live there and be just as happy as i am here. it is all relative. the condition. it is the people and the attitude that matter. these people have incredible happiness. most people in the US have a hundred times what these people have but they are not half as happy. they live in this place of seeming hopelessness and still have joy. i respect them a lot.

one thing that i have realized is that i am sorta xenophobic. i thought/think that somehow they feel less than i do. or think less or something. i think it is mostly cause of the poverty and partially because of the language difference. but i realized these people are just as fully human as me. it is an obvious thing that i know intellectually but actually assimilating its consciousness is different. and thinking of them in different terms is something that i have started to come to grips with during this trip. they are not poor natives who are struggling to survive. they are people. they have extremely complex emotions and the same exact struggles that i do. just because they dont have as much money or education doesnt mean they are any less human than me. i think this is partially because i have really tried to understand the language more this year i have actually tried to talk to the people in spanish. just more interaction with the people has given me a much deeper respect for them.

i am really hunger cause i didnt have any dinner (i was posting THIS) and i want to see if the bakery is open